ok then

as some of you may know, i've not been doing so good lately. i've had several problems keeping up with school work and have had a decreasing interest in food. ((as i sit next to the 2 hour cold baked potato and chili)) on top of this i find myself not trusting men more and more. it seems that no matter how much i wish to feel comfortable around them i can't do it. with some i start to feel quezey and as we all know i have a tendency of barfing at the wrong time. i know i have never been a big fan of boys but i have never not trusted them so much as i do now. if they give a compliment i float it off as crap, if they sit next to me they must intend to be rude or ask me about my sister. if they say something rude or mean...well they are male so what do i expect of them? and you know what i think to myself after some looking deep inside of me?? why...why would i be so mistrusting? they haven't done anything...yet. and then i annoy myself even more thinking to myself that i'm just jinxing them by saying yet.

occasionally i fancy myself being like one of those famed heroines that had a father leave them when they were only a child and them missing the memories of their parents together but i have only one bitter thought there and that is that i have no memories to brood over. i've just found out though that none of my grandparents were too excited for my parents marriage. they didn't think they would do well together. well goo job people!! you called it!!
i have also thought that it may be because of the fact that i have seen so many failed relationships around me that i despair at the reason of even dating anyone. i mean hope has had a number of "boyfriends" and what has happened with all of them (excluding current:Aaron)? she has either tossed them off for some silly reason or she has gotten her heart broken by them. again...point please??? and my katie's engagement to paul is still an open wound. oh yes you might think that if she is over it then why aren't i but what most of you don't know or anyone for that matter is that i loved paul very much and was looking forward to his marrying into the family and that i too was mad at katie for the whole deal. i the one who yelled at hope for speaking her mind on the event, i who told Katie that i didn't care, i who comforted her and let her tell me everything so she could tell someone who wouldn't interrupt her in her explanation, i who shook Paul's hand when they announced their engagement very business like and all, i who... oh these could go on and on.

better to be friends with the silly boys and watch them run around like fools with silly girls that will be crying over them in the weeks to come after they break her heart than to be the silly girl crying right? if only my dreams were the same. in this i mean both my sleeping dreams and my dreams for my future for unfortunately all ways of reproduction that i plan on having include a male figure unless i give up all together and adopt (((which may very well happen))) but listen to me with all my years of 16. yes by the way i am 16 as of last December so don't please be so shocked when i say that because it is indeed true. i all ready have my future planned out and all. except that i think i may still have hope in a select few of the male gender. pastors seem to be my only way out of this predicament. i feel that i would be a good pastor's wife and that i would serve them well along with serving God. i could still keep my dream for teaching alive by doing Sunday school classes with the young children and such as i do now. and i do believe that the only man that could ever keep my faith as strong and stable as i would like it to be would be a man who has devoted his life to God. besides i see working for God as a living and bringing my family up in a very much Christian based home would be just the ticket for a way to set myself up to help the needy and be a blessing to those around me.

i am happy to think on occasion that if my parents hadn't had a divorce that i wouldn't be who i am today(which i wouldn't) and i would never have met Georgia(which i wouldn't) or see my lovely nephew Chase(again i wouldn't). you see i do not find myself in the position to be pitied for any of these things. actually it annoys me when i am. i can use it as an argument to show people that no indeed my life has not been all sunshine and daisies and i have been through some hard times but none too grand. but all the same i have been blessed beyond belief with my step-mom even though in previous years after reading it in a book that i called her the "step-monster" i do dearly love her and her children and of course my little nephew Chase who is a little stud muffin. :D i have been blessed with a wonderful school and a mother determined to see me through this school no matter how much she pays for it and neglects to herself. and i have been blessed with amazing friends who love me no matter how odd or mad i may seem at times ((ok well maybe not seem but actually am :D))

you see at the beginning of this blog i was in a rage and in the middle i was ready to cry and by now i am ready to go on and face the world tomorrow with love in my eyes and a sneer on my mouth :D so this has been the proof of the healing powers of venting online for the entire world to see...planned or otherwise. :D

good night all
Lara